More Humour

[Brogs]

"Subject: So you want to fly Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Keep Smiling ! Mike "

[John Khan]

"Another one I heared When Qantas brought their first 747-400 back from London to Sydney direct - It was empty, with only extra crew aboard. The name of the aircraft is "Longreach". Which is also the name of a town in Western Queensland where Qantas started operating as "Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Service" - hence the name. Tower. "Great landing Longreach but you were just to the left of the centerline." Captain. "Thank you and my First Officer was just to the right of the centerline." Regards John Incidentaly, Longreach ran off the end of the runway in Bankok about 4 years ago, lots of damage but no injuries. The aircraft was repaired. By the way, there is a Qantas 747 300 sitting at the airport at Longreach, it was flown there from Brisbane with minimum fuel, and when they landed they had to shut down the outer engines so as not to damage the edge of the runway. It is on display for everyone to climb over, check this out.. http://abc.net.au/westqld/stories/s1487865.htm"

[thansson]

"

And the best one for last P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Whining noise coming from under instrument panel. S: Gave hammer back to midget. "